Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Sad, sad, sad

Tomorrow will be three weeks since we had our first prenatal appointment for this baby.  Unfortunately, my worst fears came true.  The doctor was unable to find a heartbeat.  A series of blood tests and another ultrasound revealed that this is another miscarriage.  It was a rollercoaster...we'd get a little hope, then have it dashed.  Get a little hope, then dashed again. 

I cried like I have never done.  My body literally ached with the grief.  I asked God, "Why?"  Why take my baby?  Why another one?  Why, when so many people were praying, does it seem like You weren't listening?  Do You care about how I feel?  Do You care that my heart is breaking?

At first it seemed like God was silent.  But, the truth is, He wasn't.  He spoke words of love and kindness loud and clear through close family and friends.  He provided a peace that got me through the days I didn't think I could face.  His Word clearly told me that joy would come again.  And slowly, day by day, joy is returning.  I go longer periods without feeling the intense sadness.  Laughter comes easier.

My body is not yet completely healed.  I go to the doctor tomorrow for my 4th ultrasound in 4 weeks.  I am praying that this one shows that all has passed so that healing can begin.

I am so thankful for the beautiful daughter with whom God has blessed us.

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