Pre-Baby Thoughts

As I sit here on Day 269 of my pregnancy, I have many thoughts rolling around my head as I think about this baby who is rolling around (or trying, I think) inside my belly.

I want to put them down on this virtual pad of paper so I can look back and remember how I was feeling at this point.  And maybe writing them out will clarify a few things for me.  I can hope.

First of all, I'm so thankful to be at this point.  After 2 miscarriages, I wondered if I would have the opportunity to carry a baby full-term again.  God is good.  Despite a few minor bumps in the road, this has been a great pregnancy.  And who'd have guessed a few weeks ago that I would be still pregnant at nearly 39 weeks?

I had a dream last night that the baby had come, and I was so overwhelmed at the chaos all around me.  I was trying to take care of Kyla and trying to feed a newborn and trying to pump to get my milk supply up.  The house was a disaster.  I remember being upstairs with both kids and being scared that Kyla was going to pick up the baby and throw him down the stairs like she sometimes does with her dolls.  That was all maybe pretty realistic.  Not all parts of it were.  I looked over and saw the baby (who had to have been nearly 2 feet tall) suddenly roll over in the bassinet.  Then he sorta half-stood, then he fell out of the bassinet.  No problem.  He just rolled and jumped to his feet and took off walking.  Then he made me promise not to tell someone (and I can't remember who it was...the doctor?) about his amazing abilities to speak and walk at 2 days old.  Oh, and did I mention I had to perform some gruesome surgery on myself in order to breastfeed?  I used a steak knife.

 As I think about this birth, I have some stressors in my mind about what is to happen.  I have been told that when it comes to having a baby, don't make any plans.  Don't develop an idea of how you want it to go.  Just go with the flow, and let things happen as they will.  Maybe some people can compartmentalize like that and be successful.  Apparently, I am not one of those people.  I do have plenty ideas of how I want it to go.

• I want to go into labor naturally.
• I want my doctor to be there to deliver me.
• I want the baby to be born at a time when my parents can come visit us in the hospital.
• I want to not have to have Pitocin and to go as long as possible without pain medication.
• I want to be freshly showered, have my legs shaved, my hair looking half-way decent, and makeup on.
• I want to get Kyla where she needs to be and not be worried that I am inconveniencing whoever ends up with her.
• I want to have time to get all the last-minute stuff packed in my bag and have it all there at the hospital with me.
• I want to have the baby soon enough that I can go to Winner a week from today to a wedding reception and see people I rarely ever seen anymore.

I'm sure the list is longer than this, but that's the majority of it.  As I look toward the coming week, I start feeling the stress of these expectations.  Tuesday is my 39-wk checkup.  My doctor leaves town Friday for 3 days.  He's also out of town most of the day on Monday at another office.  My mom is in Pine Ridge for a mission trip Friday, Saturday, and Sunday.  My aunt, who is #1 (and by far, the easiest) on the list to keep Kyla, is leaving town on Saturday for a week.  And of course the wedding reception that I'd really like to go to is also on Saturday.  Obviously, I would still be pretty brave to go that far with a brand-new baby, but I think we could make it if it came soon enough.

I've been dilated to a 3 since 36 weeks, and I had a positive fetal fibronectin test (a WHAT?  huh?  Yeah, I had to Google it.) at 34 weeks.  The chances of me going to 40 weeks aren't very good.  But neither were the chances of me making it to 39 weeks!

Of course, I still have 3 more days until my 39-week checkup.  Maybe the eggplant parmesan will work, and I will be in labor or have delivered by then.  If not, then what?  Then I need to make a decision.  Do I ask the doctor to induce me right away so I can be done by this weekend?  Or do I stick to my original goal of going into labor naturally and take my chances?  It could come on Friday, Saturday, or Sunday.  I'd have another doctor, one I've never met.  I'd have to go to Plan B for Kyla.  I certainly would miss the chance to see my old friends at the reception.  Mom would be coming back on Sunday, so she would probably still get to come see us at the hospital.  Dad would make it when he could.

Maybe my birthing plan list should be changed to what's really important.

• I want Baby to be born healthy.
• I want Bryan by my side.

Hmm...I can't really think of anything else I need to add to that list.  The other stuff, while some quite important to me and some rather silly, is still not important enough to add to that list.  So now, of the other stuff, how should I prioritize it?  Is it more important to me that I go naturally or that my doctor be there?  Mom and Dad will get to meet Baby very soon, whether at the hospital or not.  The same goes for Bryan's parents.  The reception really isn't that big of a deal.  I'd been thinking all along that I'd never make it and only recently got my hopes up of possibly going.  And as for Kyla, everyone loves her.  I'm sure I won't have any trouble finding a place for her to go.  I know my aunt really wants this baby to come before she leaves town, but, again, she will meet it soon enough.

I was just thinking about a year ago at this time.  I was pregnant then, too.  I was waiting for confirmation of a healthy baby.  My ultrasound was on June 30...the one where they couldn't find a heartbeat.  If someone would have asked me then if I cared about these little things, I would have shouted NO!  All I wanted was a healthy baby.  So, really, truly, that's all the matters, isn't it?

The rest of the details will fade completely once I am holding that little bundle in my arms.  And once it's out, and I can see all its little body parts and know for sure that it is healthy and safe, I will be one happy Mama!

And there we have it.  I really do feel much better.